My head is winning
2007-04-12, 8:52 a.m.
My head is starting to win over my heart. The battle is still going strong, but common sense tactics have put my head in the lead. My heart wants to still be broken�silly heart.
I picked up the last of my things from his house last night. Painful to say the least, I just wanted to fix him and this. I didn�t want to put my things in a box, I wanted to cook him dinner and talk about plans for the upcoming weekend. Ugh, doing this at work isn�t a good idea I�ve got that lump in the back of my throat forming.
I really know in all honesty that he�s made the right choice for both of us. I�m frightened that if he ever changes his mind I will be weak and agree to take him back. That is the fear factor pardon the pun. I am positive he isn�t the man for me as a �forever partner� there are too many non compatible items I chose to overlook 5 days a week to have fun on the week-ends. I�ve done this before in my life, it�s a pattern. One way to look at it is that I am consistent in these not so great choices. Those close to me know what I�m talking about. I dated him for the toy factor, fun factor and molded myself into the girl he wanted me to be to a certain degree. Maybe not as much as I�ve molded myself in the past for people but I was doing it. I know that our opinions on politics, raising children, finances, and even domestic duties were complete opposites. I was fooling myself day in and day out that we could ignore these vast differences and hold it together on the weekends because we both liked to have the same kinds of fun. It is also why we never moved in together and why that relationship stalled.
There is someone out there for me, and maybe my biological clock has finally started to tick. I�ve never been one that wanted kids. But for a split second he made me think I might want them or feel I�ve missed out down the road when there is no-one to wipe my ass at 85. Jury�s still out on kids, but the fact remains I�m not getting any younger. I do know that even though I�m the master of alone I don�t want to be alone the rest of my life. I want to share it with someone. Daylight�s burning, time to mend the heart and put it back out there to get stomped again.
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