Love Blows
2007-04-08, 11:23 a.m.
Break up diet. Effective but not so healthy I assume. Sigh, so my flavor of several months decided to kick me to the curb unceremoniously last Wednesday night. Today is the first day I�ve felt like I could type more than that sentence without reaching for the box of tissue and sobbing uncontrollably until I barfed. Not sexy, and my skin seems to be perpetually blotchy, but I�m getting really skinny and bathing suit season is really right around the corner. See drawing a small positive out of this really shitty negative.
I�m emotionally strung out, or maybe that�s the endless coffee and lack of food, whatever. Side note there are waaaay too many KY commercials on TV.
Struggling with the way things happened is what�s causing me all the pain. We never fought, and didn�t even at that fateful moment. His reason is that he is confused about where are relationship was going. We didn�t seem to be moving forward. We are best friends, enjoy doing everything together, never fight, but still occupy separate houses and there was a lack of passion in our relationship. He feels the lack of passion is because he�s so stressed out about his business that he�s always unhappy and just doesn�t have the energy to devote to me or treat me the way I should be treated. He also said he feels as if he�s been taking me for granted and it�s adding to his stress and making him feel guilty and rather than do that to me he�d rather take a break, figure out his life and go from there. He doesn�t expect me to wait around, he realizes he�s probably just made the biggest mistake of his life, but also doesn�t feel it�s fair to me to be in a relationship with him if he�s not emotionally healthy and supportive towards me and is worried he see�s me more of his best friend/sister figure than his lover since it�s been this way for so long now. In the next breath he tells me that he loves me with all his heart, he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me, I�m the most perfect girl he�s ever dated, but he doesn�t want to string me along if he can�t fix what�s going on with him and is afraid I�ll just end it later down the road after becoming resentful.
What makes me miserable is the fact I have stuck out almost 9mo with this guy and it�s not been all peaches and cream as he admitted. But I really did fall in love with him. I respect that he�s admitted and recognized there are issues with himself and our relationship that need work. What has me devastated is that he�s not even willing to give us a chance to work them out together.
And just as I complete that sentence, maybe it�s not that at all. Maybe the bigger issue is I don�t trust him to work it out on his own. I don�t trust myself in the belief I am exactly what he said, the best girlfriend he�s ever had. Interesting�.. 4 paragraphs, 2+ boxes of tissue, 10lbs lighter and it dawns on me it�s exactly what he said letting something go to realize what you had�and trusting yourself enough to know that everything in life happens for a reason.
I�ll cry for days to come, I�ll miss his touch, his friendship, his smile and the companionship I grew to love. But he is right I also deserve someone that returns all that I offer. Would someone please tell my broken heart that?
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